grey clay between my toes…
I often spend hours thinking about what I like about myself, not just to help ease my insecurities - curb my depression and reassure myself that I am good…but also because I feel like, through the years I have lost myself. I no longer have the things that used to bring me strength and balance. I have my daughters. They do bring me happiness, a purpose and more strength than anything ever has…but I feel like I can do so much more - that I need so much more. I also feel like I don’t need to rely on them, almost entirely, for my sanity. They are my everything - there’s no denying that. I want my soul - my heart - my mind - to be a part of me again. I know this is rambling…and will only make since to me - at this moment. In the morning I will probably be lost…
I think about the happiest pre-mommy times of my life. When was I the happiest? My late teens/early 20’s. When I was 19 I moved from one world to another…with a short stop in what is now my hometown. In Florida my life was music - going to as many shows as I could and writing. I had alot of friends, but we were all starting to go our separate ways. I was becoming more independent. Then I decided to move to Tennessee…that didn’t last long. I started on a very rough path and fell in love with a man who was quite a bit older than me. Long story short - I moved to Maine to get away. A different world. A world that I only knew from broken childhood memories and the writings of Thoreau.
I lived in a tiny house with my parents. Six feet out my back door…I was in “The Maine Woods”. I would get lost under a canopy of green - grey clay sliding between my toes. I had a perfect spot by a creek - where the fiddleheads would pop up overnight in Spring. I was more at peace with myself and stimulated my mind more than any other time in my life. I would read. I would write. I would draw. I would watch animals. I would walk. I would sit still. I would sleep. I would listen. FOR HOURS. When I left the woods - I would walk through my Village, across the bridge and through the next town. I volunteered at the local soup kitchen. Almost everyday. I fed my heart - my soul. I made amazing friendships. I was in good health - had a full heart, head and soul. But something was still missing. I was alone. I wanted companionship. I wanted to be loved.
I made the stupidest - most childish decision of my life. I got married. To a man who at the time I thought I loved. I changed. I let the things that I enjoyed - that gave me strength - that made me who I was - slip away. For a man. I didn’t even realize they were slipping.
I want nature - empathy - friendship - peace - back in my life. I want those things back for my daughters. I want them to see me as the best human being I can possible be. I want them to see me strong.
I do still want a partner. That desire has never left me. I just know now that I want a companion who finds their peace - happiness and strength in the same places. I want someone to lay in the grass with me and stare at the stars…to walk with me without a map…
“Every creature is better alive than dead, men and moose and pine trees, and he who understands it aright will rather preserve its life than destroy it” – Henry David Thoreau, “Chesuncook,” The Maine Woods
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