my life right now...

I'm losing my mind.

I don't mean that in the melodramatic, "I'm so overwhelmed", have pity on me, way...I'm genuinely losing my mind. It's deteriorating. My memory is fading. Everyday I have to piece together something I thought I had already done. Something as simple as pay a utility bill thats past due or as serious as a missed appointment...that was scheduled months ago...has been on  the calendar for months...and took over a year to get a referral for...

I'm playing a waiting game.

A few months ago I temporarily lost my eyesight. I started having severe pain, lost consciousness and my vision was gone. I had a severe ocular migraine. I was rushed to the ER where, after hours of tests and being pumped full of medications, a CT reveled a Brain Cyst. Since then I've had almost constant headaches, tingling extremities, numb toes & fingers at times, It hurts to stand up for long periods of time. I get dizzy, I am weak. I am winded walking around stores. I have migraines. I've had more ocular migraines....which are always scary. I'm under the care of a Neurologist who is sending me for an MRI and who gives me shots to help the migraines and prescribed me anti-seizure medications and sleeping pills...because I don't actually sleep. They help but make me nauseous.

I quit my job.

I didn't want to. I cry everyday because I didn't want to...but physically I couldn't do it. Mentally I couldn't do it. Some of the possibilities of what I could be facing in the near future are scary as hell...M.S. and Parkinsons haven't been ruled out yet.

My days are boring...but I'm happy this way.

Right now I'm laying in my hammock, under a quilt, listening to Amanda Shires and the sounds of birds in the treetops above my head. Daisy is laying in the damp grass, chewing on a stick. The hammock is perfect...I have no pressure on my back or legs,,,it's like I'm floating. Theres a small breeze making the clouds slowly drift in front of the sun, casting shadows across the grass. I am relaxed...